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The POWER of PULSE: Deep Listening (1of 4)

What follows are thoughts I have gathered to inform the UVI webinar scheduled for next week. September 8th at 10:00 EST. It has been divided into four sections and will be made available as an ebook to those who attend the webinar. You can register for the webinar at http://www.uvi.edu/administration/president/initiatives/ILOE/pulse/events.aspx

The POWER of PULSE: Deep Listening

Dr. Nancy Love

Listening is something we do every day. It is what helps us find our way in the world. It works with our other senses to help us interpret our world. Even though listening is so essential to our well-being, we do not always do it well. We are often told to pay attention, to listen. We are reminded that it is possible to do two things at once as long as one of them isn’t listening. Often we are hearing noises, background sounds that help us situate ourselves but we are not necessarily listening. People may be telling us a story or asking us a question but we may be distracted, focused on something else and not near because we are not listening. We may get bored and allow our mind to wander to our grocery list or our happy place.

Hearing and listening are different. Listening is hearing with attention, even concentration. When you listening with a purpose the act of listening becomes a deliberate attempt to understand the other person. Listening without distraction allows you to listen for the answer to a question or listen to the emotion of, in the case of someone offering an intervention, to listen on behalf of someone else to what is being said.

It becomes important to check your own listening skills. Watch yourself listening and just notice the kinds of things that take you away from the listening. Also notice how good it feels when you know that someone else has heard your concerns or your joy. The purposes of deep listening using tools like the POWER set of tools include such things as listening for something new, to make a new friend, to find an answer, to get direction, to improve the quality of communication, conversations, and relationships.

People often ask me what makes PULSE work. For me it is the whole Idea of honouring the other person by listening to them. I like to move over into their world and see what’s going on there. I know how important I feel when someone gives me a gift of time and attention and I am happy when I can pass that gift along. As humans we have a deep desire to feel heard, to have evidence that someone else cares enough to hear our opinion, our perspective, our emotion. It is really not necessary to have them agree. It is only important that they hear and understand. That feeling of being heard diffuses conflict and shifts people from fight, flight or freeze to release, relax and relate. Sometimes it is all that is needed to resolve differences.

If you give someone the gift of appreciative and deliberate listening you will always be surprised by what comes back to you. You will not only earn yourself a hearing with them but you will learn valuable information that may even change your perception of the situation and will definitely help you map a course through the conversation you are in. Listening with your ears, with your eyes and with your body you will be gathering information that will increase the likelihood of reaching common ground with the other person. Listen to understand. Listen for patterns, insights and deeper questions. Listen for silence and what is it saying. Listen for the space between the words. Listen deeply and with HEART and with POWER.

SHIFT – Nancy’s Big Adventure

In less than one week I start my new adventure on the Island of St Thomas in the US Virgin Islands. I am equal measures of excited and anxious. I look forward to being there, being part of something larger than myself and I am anxious about leaving my very comfortable home and the way of life I have developed over the past few years. I will be staying on campus at UVI and I anticipate a very steep learning curve over this first month of offering classes and moving the intellectual property of PULSE to its new owners.

Am I ready? My suitcases are packed. I have my airline bookings and my accommodations are booked. I have made arrangements to have my apartment looked after. I have paid my bills and notified everyone who needs to know including my cell phone company. I have sent the proofs for the manuals for the courses I will teach. I have American money in my wallet. And I still have a week to say my goodbyes to family and friends and put the finishing touches on the packing and planning for a month in the beautiful Caribbean.

Am I really ready? On the SHIFT scales of well being that I ask others to use I would say that I am still getting ready for this adventure. SHIFT deals with five scales of well being for a well rounded look at how a person is experiencing the world. This seemed like a good time for me to take inventory. How Sharp, Happy, Independent, Fit and Trusting am I right now?

The S in SHIFT stands for a Sharp Mind. It measures intellectual well being. Intellectually I still have work to do to get the clear purposes, protocols and processes in place for me to serve the participants I will face in the next few weeks. I want to be totally prepared to further their understanding of PULSE and the Attitudes, Skills and Knowledge that PULSE, the Frame, represents. I have acquired so much information and experience over the years that my mind literally races as I search, sort and select, wondering about what to share during each of the programs and when. Timing is important for understanding and I know that there will be nine perspectives on the world watching me deliver the programs. Doing a good job of meeting all of those needs is important to me and my intellectual prowess will be tested as I juggle what I know with what they need to know and when. Even though I know that most of that I will learn in the moment by listening and adjusting as needed, I still feel some panic in this regard. I think I will need this week to think it all through again a couple of times.

The H in SHIFT is for a Happy Heart. It measures emotional well being. Emotionally I am not quite ready to go. I am leaving behind my father who is pretty mobile right now for an 85 year old but who I worry about all of the time. I am leaving my children and grandchildren who will all be very busy with September’s glorious beginnings of school and after school programs, new adventures of their own. I am leaving behind my friends from curling ( and occasional golf) who may need to replace me more often this year as the adventure unfolds. I am leaving my dear friends that I spend time with in St Albert and at the Lake. I have created a wonderful network of support here and I know they will be here when I get back but I have never been away for a month before … except when I was in Calgary for 15 years. I’m sure I will miss them all. I am also sure I can keep in touch and catch up with things upon my return.

I am also sure that I will meet new friends and be reacquainted with old ones on St Thomas. The sun and the sea always improve my mood. There will be lots of reasons to smile and to feel happy as I meet new students and work with them so that they become conflict competent. I hope to visit my favourite place on earth … the Baths on Virgin Gorda … while I am away and that will feed my smile bank for a long time afterwards. I will not be less happy while I am away. I will be happy in a different way and for different reasons. Nonetheless my happiness scale will fluctuate as it always does.

The I in SHIFT is for Independent Spirit. It measures relational well being and today for me is very closely related to the H – Happiness measure. I am independent. I am Oprah in my Talk Show life. I take charge and make decisions with careful consideration and deliberate thought. I can also be completely clueless, not willing to ask for or accept the help I need to move to the next step. I have more alone time than I need right now. Spending time with “coworkers” and workshop participants is something I have been craving for awhile. I am really looking forward to working with others and spending time with people again, especially like-minded people with similar goals and aspirations. At the same time I am cautious because I will be in a new environment where there is a different social contract already established. I will need to have my wits about me. I hope to create lasting friendships and collegial (double entendue intended) working relationships in the most mutually agreeable way while maintaining my sense of Independence and self control.

The F in SHIFT stands for Fit Body. It is a measure of physical well being. I am never really satisfied with my levels of physical fitness. Maybe that is because it is something that requires daily attention and takes time away from my intellectual pursuits which I much prefer. Am I ready physically for this adventure? I think so. I have packed the necessities … tooth brush and other tools for physical hygiene. Although I will miss my first few tap dancing classes, I did put in a pair of runners just in case a university campus has a fitness facility. I say that facetiously hoping they don’t and knowing they do. Any excuse for missing a work out that isn’t tap dancing or curling is worth hoping for in my world. I am armed with Yoga videos to maintain my flexibility and will TRY to walk everyday and because I will have kitchen facilities I am PLANNING on eating well … not out every night.

The T in SHIFT is for Trusting Soul. It is a measure of spiritual well being. Am I ready for this adventure spiritually? Yes. Firmly yes. All roads have lead to this adventure. At times it does feel beyond my control, that the universe is unfolding and that this will be my legacy. I am ready for that and willing to work as hard as I can to see that through. This opportunity is a gift to me that I will not squander. I am grateful for it. I intend to work hard to revive the PULSE dream of a world full of people who know how to be gentle and honest with each other, people who can use the tools of mediation to create wonderful relationships, people who recognize each other as whole and complete, where people take the time to honour each other with deep listening and careful consideration of other peoples thoughts, words and deeds in context, where people care about what they say, how they say it and the impact of their words on others. That is my personal vision and mission and this is another vehicle for me to accomplish these things on a larger scale.

The adventure begins next week. Stay tuned for updates.

Thank you to Everyone who attended the Webinar Yesterday

I would like to thank those of you who attended yesterday’s webinar. It was my first with UVI as a partner. It was well attended and I think it went well. I provided a review of PULSE the Frame and the Tetrahedron. Here’s the link to the recording if you are interested ..PULSE 101 UVI PULSE.

There are so many people that have been following PULSE for a long time and many of those loyal PULSErs were present at the session yesterday. A special thanks to all of you.

There were also new people attending. For them the webinar was an introduction to a process that allows you to move with confidence into a difficult conversation. I hope they got something out of it and that they want to learn more. We are planning courses in the Virgin Islands for September and I am very excited to be back in that saddle … teaching and training trainers.

The Webinar is the first in a series. The next on is on August 12th and you can register for it on the UVI Website. The topic for the next one is GHOST, Gentle, Honest, Open, Specific Talk. I will be talking about how this protocol sets the appreciative tone that make PULSE work. There will be one webinar each month for the next year.

Letter to the Participants at the First Annual Alumni Conference on ADR in Ghana http://gameyandgamey.com/new/

Welcome past participants of the Executive ADR programme to your first alumni conference.

First let me say thank you to Austin Gamey for all the work he has done in your beautiful country of Ghana and for Africa as a whole. His efforts have not gone unnoticed. It is by his good graces that I have this opportunity to share some of my own thoughts on ADR as you gather to affirm your knowledge, skills and attributes as the conflict resolution specialists you are becoming.

We are agents of change. As mediators we guide people through the PULSE Frame to a new understanding, not only of the situation but of themselves and each other. We open them to reinterpreting past events. We invite them to a safe and structured conversation in the present. We expand the field of the future to include positive, mutually beneficial outcomes that are sustainable by virtue of their voluntary nature … outcomes that neither would have considered possible at the beginning of their deliberations.

People may ask how we accomplish such things. We do this through skillful questioning whish changes how people think, feel and experience their circumstances. We do it by taking a positive stance ourselves and believing in the possibility of such outcomes and holding the space for them to choose, to act, to dream, to be known, to be heard and to be positive. We do it by acknowledging that every person is unique and each approaches the world from their own perspective. Unique does not mean wrong and so we teach people to value what they are not. Often it is not necessary for them to agree with the other person but if they can acknowledge and understand each other than the cycle of conciliation and reconciliation can begin.

And as we become skillful mediators we can the courage to make changes in our own lives and the confidence to make a difference in the world around us. We begin to apply these skills, this stance and this appreciation for the uniqueness of individuals to all our conversations even those that are not high conflict or high emotions. When we do we ensure that conversation have sustainable, positive outcomes in every instance. And as more and more people learn the skills, the world becomes a better place in which to live.

If everyone could learn to speak gently so that the other person could keep listening; if everyone could learn to be honest in a gentle way and be open to hearing the other person’s story; if everyone would speak in specific terms using bahvioural examples rather than terms such as ‘always’ or ‘never’; if everyone could find the courage to talk, to bring up difficult topics and ask difficult questions in a gentle, honest way that clears the air; then wouldn’t that increase the likelihood of us all having peaceful, healthy, happy, productive lives at work and at home? I believe it would.

The trick, I have learned, is in finding common ground. My new book “Mapping the Space between Us” is about finding common ground. In it you will discover paths that we can take in conversation, a compass and a map to help guide you and help you guide others. We become wayfinders for our tribes, our families and our coworkers. You will learn to identify the Direction and Orientation of people in conversation and how to plot those. Once you have that information guiding questions lead to common ground and a firm foundation for strong relationships.

I look forward to sharing this new book with you soon. I also look forward to working with you through webinars and on site courses moving forward as the PULSE Institute sets up its new home at the University of the Virgin Islands, on the Island of St Thomas, USVI. Meanwhile be Sharp of mind, Happy of heart, Independent of spirit, Fit of body and cultivate a Trusting soul. SHIFT to a place where you can guide others to common ground and sustainable resolutions. I wish you luck and learning as you enjoy your first alumni conference together.

Waiting on the World to Change

Sometimes you have to wait. I have seen a couple of bill boards around Edmonton with a small boy looking forlorn. The caption is just ‘WAITING’ I think I know how he feels. Waiting for spring in Alberta …. waiting for the Oilers to final get the right combination of personnel to WIN …. waiting for the penny to drop … waiting for the PC’s to get defeated …. waiting for this cold or allergy attack I have suffered with for the past two weeks to leave me alone.

We have all spent time waiting. The trick is to make that time count in other ways especially when you have no control over the speed of progress or lack of it that you are experiencing. I found myself speaking very forcefully to a couple of people this week to MOVE THINGS ALONG. It worked on one and not on the other. So I go back to doing what I can when I can and setting the rest aside for another day.

The list of postponed due to others list is almost as long as the procrastination list for me. Keeping it all in my head is always fun. Sometimes I wait because I have to and sometimes I wait because I want to. So I guess waiting is not all bad. I don’t want to keep others waiting. I do my best to be a great ‘replier’ although this month the minutes of the board that I am secretary for were late because I was ‘down’ with what ever I have.

Sometimes it just can’t be helped. i get that and I do my best to be patient with others …. until I am not. Then look out. No telling what could happen next. I may be little but I am not afraid of confrontation and sometimes that is what it takes to get over a hurdle. I would say that is true especially when you are dealing with a bureaucracy or a passive aggressive personality.

In mediation patience and waiting for answers is considered a good thing. It even has its own acrostic. “Why Am I Talking”. I’m usually quite a good waiter, not as in server but as in good at waiting. MY rope is long but once I reach the end of it I tend to take no prisoners. It’s a rare occasion when I am anything but calm and measured in my response to things. Everyone needs patience but when it gets in the way of getting important projects accomplished its time to consider alternatives to waiting … whatever they may be.

Any way I took my own advice. While I am waiting I am writing about it so as not to completely waste this valuable time. Now I will go practice my new piano piece and get my costume ready for my dance competition next weekend. Distraction … it works for a while. Try it the next time you find yourself waiting.

Aging

Sometimes I sit down to write a blog and the topic is there with me ready to go. Today it is not. The Muses have been playing with me lately. They must know that I have nothing on my agenda for today and was hoping to be inspired and finish editing a chapter or two in the “Mapping the Space” book. But first I must find the Muses.

My body and my mind seem to be running slow today. I might be a 6 on the Sharp scale, a 6 or 7 on the Happy scale, and about the same on the Independent scale even though I have the day to myself to decide what to do. The Fit scale ought to be higher. I did tap dancing Monday evening and Yoga yesterday morning. Truth is I feel stiff and sore and kind of dull. So a 5 on the Fit scale. The Trusting scale is still higher – 8 or 9. I do believe the world is unfolding as it should. SHIFT is happening just at a slower pace these days.

I have been reading the “French Women Don’t …” series of books and enjoying the notes on aging gacefully and staying healthy as we age. Over this past year there seems to be this obvious perhaps culturally motvated choice in front of me. I can either give up the work and “enjoy” life or I can continue to work and miss the exciting moments that I get to spend with my family when my schedule reads “available” and someone needs a hand. More and more people my age are questioning that either/or thinking and opting for both.

Mireille Guiliano, the author of “French Women Don’t …” talks about four anchors. For her, good health, a social network, employment as well as time and commitment to your own needs are the four things that keep her going and aging with style and attitude. I can see how these four fit nicely with the SHIFT measures of well being … a Sharp Mind, a Happy Heart, an Independent Spirit, a Fit Body and a Trusting Soul.

I was struck by the idea that employment is important and I understand that completely. You really do need something to do that you enjoy and accomplishments that you are proud of as you move through life at any age. Giving that up seems counter productive even if the money doesn’t seem as important. People need to feel needed and appreciated. They need a sense of contribution and connection to community. Some find new careers or volunteer. Without it we put our mental, relational, physical, emotional and even spiritual well being at risk.

I will always be engaged in writing and other projects that interest me and keep me moving. These projects serve my need for employment. There is always lots to do and learn. Now that curling season is coming to an end I have rediscovered Yoga. There is a studio or two that are even closer than the curling rink in my walkable neighbourhood. Both serve my good health and social network needs. My family and friends are wonderful. They keep me socially engaged and ’employed’ if you can take that to mean ‘busy’. As for time for my own needs …. I have all day today to tend to those.

Take good care. I plan to. That way I will not only age gracefully but fiercely and with wild abandon the way I have always aged since I was a child. Aging is not an option if you want to stick around and see what happens next. How you age is up to you. SHIFT and enjoy.

PULSE – A Gentle Reminder

Last week I had a chance to help some people come to agreement on a long-standing issue. It’s always satisfying when you can see what’s in the way and help them move around or through or over or under what ever that is. It made me realize a couple of things about practice and mastery and how reading people is essential in this business. It is not just about reading people and identifying their criteria for resolution but also ready what behaviours are infuriating or frustrating the other people in the room. So you watch EVERYBODY and you notice your own responses and you name it. The naming part takes courage but it is really all you have to do. Finding a gentle way to tell someone that their behaviour is not helping can be tricky but well worth the mental effort it takes to cushion the words and use language you are confident they will understand. When you do SHIFT happens.

I was reminded that the PULSE Frame is very effective. It is part of my MO now in most situations and in a high conflict one the elements are more obvious and their strong grounding in theory makes them very dependable. Prepare for the conversation. Then Uncover what they have come to resolve today. Then Learn why its important to them, their criteria for resolution. Then Search possibilities that could resolve the situation and meet the shared and individual criteria. Then write a plan of action that contains detailed items that are within their authority and will be shared with those who are involved in its implementation. Introducing the process at the beginning … the process, purpose and protocol … and wrapping it up at the end are also important to give everyone confidence in the outcome.

SHARP as a Marble

Just a brief note today on the importance of measuring your wellbeing from time to time. How well are you feeling on each of the five intelligence measures?

Intellectually are you feeling SHARP? What is your sense of whether or not your mind is working at capacity today?

Emotionally are you feeling HAPPY? What emotions are you aware of and how light or heavy is your heart today?

Relationally are you feeling INDEPENDENT? What level of control do you sense with your relationships today?

Physically are you feeling FIT? What is your sense of your level of health and fitness today?

Spiritually are you feeling TRUSTING? What sense do you have that you can trust others and the universe today?

Keep this list on your fingers and remind yourself to check in from time to time. If you are feeling low in one measure and higher in another focus on what you can do from the higher measure to help increase the lower one.

Take Good Care.

A Whale of a Party

Donna and I went on a Whale Watching sail the other day. We left the bay at around 3:00 in the afternoon and motored north. The Biologist on board, Jeff, was great. He had all the facts about whales and their lives. He answered all of the questions we had and then we began to see the wonderful creatures.

Words cannot describe the feeling you get when a whale shows you his tail. It is somewhere between gratitude and excitement, awe and appreciation. The animals we saw where gigantic. We were lucky enough to witness around 20 whales at the surface. Spouts all around us but in particular two whales traveling together gave us quite a show. They would surface and show their tails for a while and then disappear.

The crew would begin calling them and encouraged us to do the same. Suddenly they appeared at the back of the boat about 20 yards off the stern, showed their backs and then their tails in turn. MAGNIFICENT and a little scary. They were way bigger than the boat.

We were all smiles and joy. The crew said it was the best experience they had had for a long time and they were all feeling like we had our money’s worth when our whales suddenly reappeared at the front of the boat. Could have been two different whales but the tails, which are like fingerprints, looked very much the same. Again they passed so close to the boat you felt you could reach out and touch them. Even the crew were high fiving each other.

What an experience!!

It was a magical time. The crew was excellent. Our fellow travelers were appropriately impressed and the whales were accomodating. They answered the call and they stayed and partied with us. You almost wanted to invite them aboard for one of the delicious Maitais.