I am reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I like the book and the way she presents her extensive research findings. A book about shaming and vulnerability is always cause for self reflection which is and of itself a risk, a vulnerable act but I did it anyway. Brene’s message is delivered in a wonderfully vulnerable way. She tells her stories. She opens up to the reader explaining in detail with examples from her own life how shame works and why being shame resilient is important for everyone. I highly recommend it.

I was especially taken by the chapter on the differences between Male and Female experiences of shame. Like her, I believed that we had moved beyond pink for girls and blue for boys but the truth is we haven’t. A story from our visit to the Vatican yesterday came to mind. Our wonderful guide Francesca, told of one of the first women painters to actually use her name on her works of art in the Baroque period. The story goes that she was the daughter of a famous painter and one day he left an unfinished painting in his studio. When he returned it was completed … by his daughter. He decided to send her to get some formal training with another famous painter of the time. The teacher raped the girl and when she told her father they brought charges against the teacher. Although he was a famous painter, he was found guilty which was a rare event under such circumstances and sent to jail … but not for rape. He was convicted of reducing the father’s wealth, of taking something of value from him. It was the reduction in financial worth of a girl who had been raped that sent him to jail, not the crime of raping another human being.

Girls believe that they are still worth more if they are thin and nice and subdued. Men believe that they are worth more if they are big and strong and successful. Shame is about worth and worthiness and it is sad for me to think that we are still trapped after all the “progress” our society appears to have made. Brene talks about a web of shame for women. We get caught in the opinions of others. She talks about a box of shame for men. They are caged by shame.

I like her antidote … vulnerability. She suggests that if we can all be vulnerable with people we trust, people who show us empathy so we know we are not alone we can become shame resilient. We can break out of the box and free ourselves from the web. The tricky part is that vulnerability requires trust and trust requires vulnerability. The question is who will risk first to begin the trust building.

In mediations I have done I have watched this dance of vulnerability and trust. I know from my own experience that voluntary vulnerability is critical in high conflict situations and I can see how Brene is suggesting that it is important in any and all relationships. Voluntary vulnerability begins the cycle of connection and moves us to the green zone in conversation. It is scary sometimes and if we are in our shame boxes or webs it can appear to be even more of a risk.

I have coached many people to just try explaining how they feel, how what has happened as impacted them will move them to a different way of relating. When they do, they find out that people appreciate a gentle, honest, open, specific talk. They learn that being voluntarily vulnerable creates a space for the other person to share their own vulnerability. The conversation opens up and everyone ends up with a deeper understanding of the situation at hand.

Brene Brown and I agree that more people need to learn about this and begin to practice being courageous. She talks about Daring Greatly, having the courage to move toward trust through vulnerability. I would add that being curious is also important. Curiousity, I think leads to vulnerability and away from blame and shame. Curiousity takes us away from assumptions which are, I think a path to judgement that needs to be avoided. Asking yourself or someone else about the motive behind an event or action is often more forgiving. It allows us to separate the deed from the person, what they did from who they are. It is a way to remove judgement from our responses and create a green zone of connection.

Finding ways to connect us to each other so we can clearly understand our self worth is what it is all about. Brene uses a quote “You are not a bad person. You are a good person who bad things have happened to.” If we can start from there we can become curious about a persons past rather than judge them as a bad person and we can begin to see ourselves in that quote. We are all good people doing the best we can with what we know.

Be courageous. You are worth it. Be curious. So are they.

http://youtu.be/KDS2NOoqnZQ

It’s a Sunday night in Calgary and I have a chance to sit and think about the status of things, about the PULSE Institute and where I am personally with my goals in life.  I am thinking and not talking and that is always dangerous.  When you are talking and sharing your thoughts there is this second sober thought from the other person that mitigates or softens the harsh bits and grounds the flights of fantasy and fancy.  Even a facial expression from a quiet listener can stabilize your thinking.  Left to its own stabilization my thought patterns scatter and take flight.  Ping pong balls or bingo balls in an air machine.  I can’t seem to catch any of them long enough to make much sense. So let me share some with you in the hopes that it will sort them out so the winning numbers appear.

I am thinking about the upcoming practice course in November and how to get more people interested. It is on the 14th and 15th and 16th of November in St Albert at our office.  One suggestion which I like is to pre-qualify anyone who has had ADRIA mediation course.  We will invite them to attend and use it for elective credit because we specialize in workplace situations.  I will ask Erika to post it on their website to generate some interest.  We will also have to get it onto our website.  I will talk to Wendy tomorrow.  It should be front page news.

I am thinking about the on-line Jig  Saw Box course in PULSE Concepts that we have been working on for months now and some of the frustrations around how to manage that.  I think if it were the only thing I was working on I could do a much better job of writing the information to be included in the modules.  It will be a wonderful way for people to learn the concepts behind PULSE without leaving their desk and at their own speed.

I am thinking about reprinting the PULSE Conversations for Change book because we are all out of them right now.  I would like to include the changes we have been making before we send it to the printers… another biggish project.

I am thinking about the new Stepping Stones to Success Book that should be published soon by Insights Publishing.  I have a chapter in it and I am wondering what marketing we can do with it.  http://davidhumes.com/resources/books/SteppingStonesToSuccess.htm 

I am thinking about the Principals: Faces of Change Book.  Trafford Publishing has agreed to do more publishing by listing it in schools and university library catalogues where people who read and order such books are more likely to find it.  We had a Kirkus Independent Review done which is pretty good to use to promote it. Here it is….

PRINCIPALS
Faces of Change
Love , Nancy and Mel Blitzer, etc.
Trafford (124 pp.)
$26.99 paperback, $9.99 e-book
ISBN: 978-1426927973; April 19, 2010
BOOK REVIEW
A study of how school principals respond to mandated change in educational standards and procedures, from the PULSE
Institute in Calgary, Alberta.
Primary author Love (Principal Portraits, 2004, etc.) and co-authors Blitzer and Munroe present case studies of five
Canadian junior and senior high school principals. Each administrator must implement a series of required changes to his
or her curriculum, assessment and administrative procedures, drawing on the efforts of staff and students and often
encountering hefty obstacles along the way. The authors assign each principal an archetype that characterizes his
leadership style: the Sherpa, the Coach, the Gardener, the Rescuer and the Impresario (“He cajoles, he charms, he
pushes, he connects…he flies through the air with the greatest of ease.”). These nicknames, and the frequent quotations
from the principals themselves, give the study a welcome vitality. Each chapter summarizes the legislative or
administrative mandates each principal faced and provides brief demographic and regional context for each school. After
describing and assessing each principal’s strategies and solutions, the authors provide a chart containing their leadership
profiles. Overall, the book is succinct, well-paced and clear, avoiding lengthy literature reviews or academic jargon. Its
relatively casual tone (including addressing the reader in second person) makes it even more accessible to readers outside
the world of higher education. At times, however, the authors err too much on the side of brevity; although the case
studies bear the imprint of academic research, they omit basic information such as the dates of data collection, an
explanation of research methodology and a description of the sample selection process (readers may wonder why the
book only features male principals, for instance). For American audiences, a brief glossary might also have been helpful;
for example, in Canadian English, “writing exams” means “taking exams,” but to most American readers it means
creating them. Despite such small foibles, however, the book accomplishes its goals economically and effectively.
An engaging series of case studies, ideal for use in education leadership seminars or management retreats

I am thinking about the Sociology of the Enneagram of BEACHs book which is languishing in its BEACH bag in the back of my office and is not receiving the attention it needs to get to manuscript stage.  I think the new title for it might be “The Space Between Us”  What do you think????  That’s the title for the presentation at the Canadian Enneagram Association Conference in Victoria in February.  I would be so happy if I could have a manuscript to share with participants there.

I am thinking about the novel that I have written but not typed into my computer yet.  No one but me can do that because I find myself editing as I type.  A friend just came back from Santiago with pictures for me.  I asked him to take some to supplement the book which right now ends on the Camino de Santiago.  I also have a friend who just had a book launch for her book about her journey on the Camino.  I need to call and have coffee and get a copy.  Her Name is Pat Klinck.  She is brilliant.  I haven’t read the book yet but I know it will be inspirational.

Each Step is the Journey: The Call of the  Camino     http://eachstepisthejourney.com/

I am thinking about what I learned yesterday at my CAPS meeting.  Canadian Association of Professional Speakers are my favourite bunch of people.  There is a camaraderie that I have never really experienced else where and I love to go when I can and learn from the people there.  The speaker was talking about follow-up and professionalism and I realize how my website, my cards everything is dated somehow and I need to find a way to renew those things without spending too much money.  I need to recommit to the newsletters and blogs on a more regular basis.  And I can. The presenter reminded us that air planes are off course 98% of the time and that correcting for drift is what life is all about.  I don’t need to get frustrated by this constant state of course ambivalence. I need to focus and steer.  I can do that….

This week I go to Ottawa for a few days.  I am looking forward to the colours of the leaves in the Gatineau Hills.  We will be at Montebello for the weekend.  It’s a great life.  Things to think and talk about and things to do and see.  Places to be and a wide range of emotions to experience as we move through it all.

Have a great week and please share this with friends.  Right  now about 20 people read this blog.  It would be great if 50 people did.  I kind of suspect that more of you read it on linked in and on face book and don’t necessarily go to the word press site.   My goal is to increase the readership.  If you can help that would be great.

Take care and remember not sharing your thinking can be dangerous like TNT. Find away to share that works for you.

Join Dr. Nancy Love for a new kind of workplace mediation program.  The PULSE program is now offered as a blended learning experience.  The mediation concepts portion of the program provided through a self-paced on line interactive platform consists of eight modules.  Each module has video, text and power point aimed at providing attitudes, skills and knowledge necessary to become a workplace mediator.  You can sign in at your convenience and work through the program at your own pace. At the end of each module you submit answers to questions and comments.  When one module is complete you gain access to the next one. The eight modules represent 16 hours of classroom instruction.  Once completed you are eligible to  attend a three day practice program in St Albert November 14, 15 16, 2013 to complete the forty hour certificate in workplace mediation.

This week I have learned many lessons at my computer.  Nothing has been simple.  Each time I try to accomplish something some electronic process escapes me and I do not accomplish what I set out to do.  I had a list on Monday and that list had NOTHING checked off.  Each thing had to be redone and sometimes twice.  For example… I recorded a video on my iPad for the upcoming on-line offering of the PULSE Concepts course.  It looked great and although it was a little long, I was pleased with the results.  It was too long to post on You tube and too long to send by email so on Tuesday I finally realized that I could plug my iPad into my computer and move the file that way.  YAY… except when it converted to Quick Time it showed up side down.  That is the kind of week I have had.

I kind of feel upside down.  Maybe there is a lesson in that.  8 hours of time change can mess with your mind and your body.  Sleep patterns off and likely reasoning off kilter as well.  Little success until today when things finally began to fall into place. I made mistakes on my banking system and on my email.  I screwed up three of the four projects I am working on and the other one I made no progress on because it is still sitting in the bag by the door. I couldn’t figure out how to get the pictures from the camera smart card to the shared folder I created to share with friends.  I couldn’t figure out how to send American money to someone who paid for our tours in Rome.  I couldn’t get a parcel delivered from FedEx because when they came while I was a way they couldn’t find the office.  The email ad etc for one of my books STILL had the same mistake it had before I left on holidays. And working with a new on-line platform means reformatting everything for a course that starts on-line NEXT WEEK.  YIKES

Confusion reigns.  New operating systems and re-installs etc took up a great deal of time.  No internet access for a stretch on Monday just added to the urgency on Tuesday.  SO… I did manage to submit a proposal and begin to work on a review contract and move the novel forward a little.  What I did learn is I like working out of the office here in St Albert.  There is a nice rhythm life here.  I can hide in my office and work all day through the frustrations and then spend time with family and friends in the evenings.  With the apartment just one block away it is super convenient. And I seem to have time for all three pieces of my theme for the year, Focus, Finances and Fitness.  With my trusty bike I can hit the trails along the river or just walk over to see mum and dad.

Already Monte Carlo and Rome seem far away in space and in time even though it was one short week ago that I was there.

Random thoughts about what to accomplish this winter are filling my head.  How do I get more people to read my blog, take the concepts course, sign up for coaching???  it’s going to be a great fall and winter and I am going to learn even more about computers AND how to calm myself when things don’t go right, how to retrace and find the error and how to forgive myself for all the inattentive, bumbling that I have been involved with this week.

Cheers.. Did you see the premier of BIG BANG THEORY??

BTW – If you would like to try the online Concepts course with me just email me and I will send the details.

Sitting on the back of deck five. Watching the sun come up and Positano disappear as we cruise to Sorrento. The sky is crimson on the Amalfi coast. It has been an exciting cruise until now. We have tonight and tomorrow night left to enjoy the carefree service and the great weather and views of Italy.
I’m going to tour Pompeii today. For years I taught about it in social studies classes and today I get to see the village that was suddenly entombed in ash from the erupting Mount Vesuvius. It is sobering when you consider the forces of nature and how quickly things can change. Calgary and are especially sensitive to that these days.
Italy is living history. I love being here. The boat gives time for reflection and I have learned or relearned more about myself as we sail the Mediterranean in the lap if luxury. Watching the people aboard and learning their stories has been fun.
Tomorrow the island of Capri.

I love listening to old songs.  It is so easy to see where my values came from when I listen to the songs I grew up with.  The  other day I heard this line … ”you know I need relating not solitude”.  I feel that way.  I spend a lot of time alone. Writers do … especially when they are writing two books like I am supposed to be doing right now.  Too much alone time makes you protective of that time.  I get to a point where I resent intrusion and even feeling hungry is annoying because I have to stop and find something to eat to meet those interrupting physical needs.  That, of course, is the extreme flow situation which unfortunately is rare theses days.  I am easily distracted and fulfilled by people in my life right now and that is all good.  I need relating not solitude these days.

The cool thing is that it is a balance.  For me the need to relate and the need to be solitary come in waves.  I ride the wave of relating until it hits the shore line and then I swim out and catch the wave of solitude and ride it in until …. you get it.  The seasons and the tides change and the length and strength of the waves change as well as the direction and the shoreline you are likely to hit.  Some waves crash on rocky shores and others lap on to a warm sunny beach.

What kind of waves fill your life?  Where are you now?  What wave are you riding.  Remember you choose the next wave to ride.  Be purposeful and deliberate and wait for the one you want.

and the living is easy… as the song goes.  I am having a great 60th summer.  I have spent most of it with family or old friends and that has been a gift.  It is easy to be with people you know and who know you.  I have spent a lot of time over the past years working with people I may never see again.  The short encounters in training sessions, the years as a teacher… people come and go.  I do feel fortunate that in my life there have always been the connectors.  These are the people who knew you from the beginning or since junior high or since your first marriage.  They have watched your career and your relationships and know who you are at the core of it.  They share your values and your history and that is so important … to have someone in your life who does.

Know yourself, Know others and Know your stuff … that used to be Carol’s and my mantra when we were teaching leadership.  Knowing yourself through others is an important part of that.  I have been reminded this summer of the pieces of me that have not changed, that have continued  … the good pieces of character that I hardly notice … as people tell stories from the past and create memories for the future with me I am struck by what they remember and how they remember it. I believe it has helped me understand again who I really am.

I also have been very conscious of what my view of others is and how it can be influenced by the opinion of others.  Maybe by no accident I was reading Jane Austin this summer.  “Persuasion” is a book about that … about how what you learn from others influences your opinions and your actions toward a person.  It’s a great read if you are in the mood for self-reflection.

It has been a summer of observation and reflection, a time for change and new beginnings.  Warm summer breezes, beaches on both coasts, my wonderful Rockies and people I love and that love me … what more could a girl as for….

How has your summer been? I hope that you have connectors in your life and that you get to see them as often as possible to keep you grounded and reassured. Nothing does that for you  like spending time with people who share your values and your history. Love and laughter, the perfect recipe for living easy.

Last week I was in Nova Scotia at the Shoreclub.  There were people there who I had not seen or even spoken to in more than 42 years.  One old friend recognized me right away when someone said “Do you know who this is?”  “Nancy Love.  What are you doing here?  I thought you moved away?”

So when you have five maybe ten minutes to fill someone in it is interesting what you choose to share.  In 40 years I have earned three degrees and been married three times.  I have worked as a teacher for 20 years and spent 8 of those as a school administrator.  I have also been a mediator and trainer for 15 years in large government organizations in the US and in Canada.  I have travelled to London, Paris, Berlin, Frankfurt, Barcelona, Rome, Venice, Florence, Istanbul, Amman, Dubai, San Francisco, San Diego, Los Angelos, Kansas City, Chicago, New York, Honolulu, Washington DC, Charlotte Amelia in the Virgin Islands all more than once.  I have cruised the Mediterranean and the Carribean many times and have crossed the Atlantic.  I have homes in three cities and one mountain retreat.  I have written and published a number of books and have had some great opportunities to meet exciting people all around the world and here in Canada.  I have been a candidate for federal politics and a town councilor.   So what I talked about was my wonderful grandchildren and their mothers … my two beautiful daughters.  I talked about my parents who are still in love after all of these years.

How would you describe your last 40 years?