What follows are thoughts I have gathered to inform the UVI webinar scheduled for next week.  September 8th at 10:00 EST.  It has been divided into four sections and will be made available as an ebook to those who attend the webinar.  You can register for the webinar at http://www.uvi.edu/administration/president/initiatives/ILOE/pulse/events.aspx

The POWER of PULSE: Deep Listening

Dr. Nancy Love

Listening is something we do every day.  It is what helps us find our way in the world.  It works with our other senses to help us interpret our world.  Even though listening is so essential to our well-being, we do not always do it well.  We are often told to pay attention, to listen.  We are reminded that it is possible to do two things at once as long as one of them isn’t listening.  Often we are hearing noises, background sounds that help us situate ourselves but we are not necessarily listening.  People may be telling us a story or asking us a question but we may be distracted, focused on something else and not near because we are not listening.  We may get bored and allow our mind to wander to our grocery list or our happy place.

Hearing and listening are different.  Listening is hearing with attention, even concentration.  When you listening with a purpose the act of listening becomes a deliberate attempt to understand the other person. Listening without distraction allows you to listen for the answer to a question or listen to the emotion of, in the case of someone offering an intervention, to listen on behalf of someone else to what is being said.

It becomes important to check your own listening skills.  Watch yourself listening and just notice the kinds of things that take you away from the listening.  Also notice how good it feels when you know that someone else has heard your concerns or your joy.  The purposes of deep listening using tools like the POWER set of tools include such things as listening for something new, to make a new friend, to find an answer, to get direction, to improve the quality of communication, conversations, and relationships.

People often ask me what makes PULSE work.  For me it is the whole Idea of honouring the other person by listening to them.  I like to move over into their world and see what’s going on there.  I know how important I feel when someone gives me a gift of time and attention and I am happy when I can pass that gift along.  As humans we have a deep desire to feel heard, to have evidence that someone else cares enough to hear our opinion, our perspective, our emotion.  It is really not necessary to have them agree.  It is only important that they hear and understand.  That feeling of being heard diffuses conflict and shifts people from fight, flight or freeze to release, relax and relate.  Sometimes it is all that is needed to resolve differences.

If you give someone the gift of appreciative and deliberate listening you will always be surprised by what comes back to you.  You will not only earn yourself a hearing with them but you will learn valuable information that may even change your perception of the situation and will definitely help you map a course through the conversation you are in.  Listening with your ears, with your eyes and with your body you will be gathering information that will increase the likelihood of reaching common ground with the other person.  Listen to understand. Listen for patterns, insights and deeper questions.  Listen for silence and what is it saying.  Listen for the space between the words.  Listen deeply and with HEART and with POWER.

I would like to thank those of you who attended yesterday’s webinar.  It was my first with UVI as a partner.  It was well attended and I think it went well.  I provided a review of PULSE the Frame and the Tetrahedron.  Here’s the link to the recording if you are interested ..PULSE 101 UVI PULSE.

There are so many people that have been following PULSE for a long time and many of those loyal PULSErs were present at the session yesterday.  A special thanks to all of you.

There were also new people attending.  For them the webinar was an introduction to a process that allows you to move with confidence into a difficult conversation.  I hope they got something out of it and that they want to learn more.  We are planning courses in the Virgin Islands for September and I am very excited to be back in that saddle … teaching and training trainers.

The Webinar is the first in a series.  The next on is on August 12th and you can register for it on the UVI Website.  The topic for the next one is GHOST, Gentle, Honest, Open, Specific Talk.  I will be talking about how this protocol sets the appreciative tone that make PULSE work.  There will be one webinar each month for the next year.

Sometimes you have to wait.  I have seen a couple of bill boards around Edmonton with a small boy looking forlorn.  The caption is just ‘WAITING’  I think I know how he feels.  Waiting for spring in Alberta …. waiting for the Oilers to final get the right combination of personnel to WIN …. waiting for the penny to drop … waiting for the PC’s to get defeated …. waiting for this cold or allergy attack I have suffered with for the past two weeks to leave me alone.

We have all spent time waiting.  The trick is to make that time count in other ways especially when you have no control over the speed of progress or lack of it that you are experiencing. I found myself speaking very forcefully to a couple of people this week to MOVE THINGS ALONG.  It worked on one and not on the other. So I go back to doing what I can when I can and setting the rest aside for another day.

The list of postponed due to others list is almost as long as the procrastination list for me.  Keeping it all in my head is always fun.  Sometimes I wait because I have to and sometimes I wait because I want to. So I guess waiting is not all bad.  I don’t want to keep others waiting.   I do my best to be a great ‘replier’ although this month the minutes of the board that I am secretary for were late because I was ‘down’ with what ever I have.

Sometimes it just can’t be helped.  i get that and I do my best to be patient with others …. until I am not.  Then look out. No telling what could happen next.  I may be little but I am not afraid of confrontation and sometimes that is what it takes to get over a hurdle.  I would say that is true especially when you are dealing with a bureaucracy or a passive aggressive personality.

In mediation patience and waiting for answers is considered a good thing.  It even has its own acrostic.  “Why Am I Talking”.  I’m usually quite a good waiter, not as in server but as in good at waiting.  MY rope is long but once I reach the end of it I tend to take no prisoners.  It’s a rare occasion when I am anything but calm and measured in my response to things. Everyone needs patience but when it gets in the way of getting important projects accomplished its time to consider alternatives to waiting … whatever they may be.

Any way I took my own advice.  While I am waiting I am writing about it so as not to completely waste this valuable time. Now I will go practice my new piano piece and get my costume ready for my dance competition next weekend. Distraction … it works for a while.  Try it the next time you find yourself waiting.

Last week I had a chance to help some people come to agreement on a long-standing issue.  It’s always satisfying when you can see what’s in the way and help them move around or through or over or under what ever that is.  It made me realize a couple of things about practice and mastery and how reading people is essential in this business.  It is not just about reading people and identifying their criteria for resolution but also ready what behaviours are infuriating or frustrating the other people in the room.  So you watch EVERYBODY and you notice your own responses and you name it.  The naming part takes courage but it is really all you have to do.  Finding a gentle way to tell someone that their behaviour is not helping can be tricky but well worth the mental effort it takes to cushion the words and use language you are confident they will understand. When you do SHIFT happens.

I was reminded that the PULSE Frame is very effective.  It is part of my MO now in most situations and in a high conflict one the elements are more obvious and their strong grounding in theory makes them very dependable.  Prepare for the conversation.  Then Uncover what they have come to resolve today.  Then Learn why its important to them, their criteria for resolution. Then Search possibilities that could resolve the situation and meet the shared and individual criteria.  Then write a plan of action that contains detailed items that are within their authority and will be shared with those who are involved in its implementation.  Introducing the process at the beginning … the process, purpose and protocol … and wrapping it up at the end are also important to give everyone confidence in the outcome.