Things are going well here in Love Land. I have a wall decoration that says “Love Gathers Here.” The double etendue is refreshing. The Love family does gather here from time to time and it is glorious when they do. This weekend however it was a different kind of gathering. 

I have been working with Paula Drouin to create a “Coaching thought Conflict” program for mediators, and we are holding our first session over these two weeks. We have six fantastic, dedicated and smart mediators looking to add coaching skills to their toolbox of interventions for conflict situations. A small group, who already know each other and were willing to come to Paula and me in St Albert. So, I have been hosting them here. We have spent our time talking about Conversational Intelligence, Neuroscience, NLP, the Enneagram, Appreciative Inquiry, and so many other tantalizing topics, that have occasionally taken us into “Deep Time.” Classroom learning is handled in the board room downstairs where there is no internet, so the videos are shown in my living room … where the sign hangs. People who Love Learning have been gathering here, too.

If you are keeping up with things, and I know some of you are, you may be going to the website www.drnancylove.com to read this blog. You will notice at the top, that a new web page has been added.  www.mappingthespace.com. I purchased that address a few years ago in an effort to move the book, that I have been working on FOREVER now, to the finish line. The book is called Mapping the Space between Us: Wayfinding to Common Ground. With the aid of my trusty sidekick and granddaughter, Kass, things are indeed moving. You can now find us by going to the www.mappingthespace.com address. If you click on the tab of the same name, it will take you to the introduction of the book, or at least to excerpts from the introduction.

My next job today will be to send Chapter 1: Here be Dragons, to Kass so that she can also post an excerpt from it. I have found the courage to read through and edit it again. I want to thank my friend Sue for helping me find that courage by reading it with fresh eyes and motivating me to get it out there. My hope is that you will also enjoy reading pieces of it enough to share it with others. Eventually, it would be great to see it published by a wonderful publishing house but for now, I am content to have you read it and comment on it as the nine chapters appear on the new site over the next few months.

Feedback is always welcomed and encouraged.

Take care everyone. Stay safe and warm.

In August I wrote a blog called Untethered describing a thought I had to spend time over the next couple of years in Halifax where I was born and spent my childhood. Control your thoughts. Thoughts become ideas. Ideas become actions and actions eventually become habits. I read that once on a Chinese tea label.

Well, you know how things go when you set an intention and then lean into it? Thanksgiving Day I looked at a condo in downtown Halifax and February 19th I take possession. Just like that.

It sounds so easy and as if no thought or planning has gone into this move. Sometimes life is like that. You have an idea and it becomes reality. It is like the curio cabinet I ordered from Wayfair that now houses my good glasses in my living room in St Albert. I knew I was going to have to move the stuff I valued to my home condo and rent out my second apartment. Intent on consolidating valuables and keepsakes I saw a need for extra storage/ display space. I figured out where there was a space that could accept another piece of furniture and measured it. Then I spent time online looking for just the right piece. When it arrived in pieces, I put it together and then filled it with my precious hand-painted Romanian stemware. Just like that problem solved.

The decision to purchase and fill the new space with furniture now occupying the downstairs apartment took some time. A million little decisions have influenced the thought that became the idea that is now becoming action. A renter appeared who wanted to rent my downstairs apartment for two years. Check. The condo in Halifax appeared. Check. My casual employment supported the move. Check. My program at Kings University College … walking distance from the new condo … accept me as a deferred student from last year’s program. Check. Other thoughts on financing and travel and real estate and furnishing and and and …. and POOF, just like that, I have a plan.

So, with the help of good friends, and with the support of my family, I will be in Halifax on April 1st to start yet another adventure, returning to be a part-time Haligonian after 50 years away.

Stay tuned as the adventure continues.

It has been too long again since I wrote a blog post. I just haven’t been sure what to write about.  There are so many thoughts and emotions associated with this last month that I don’t think I have sorted them out yet.

This morning I presented a webinar on questions and the purpose, process, protocol of asking questions in a deliberate way to build understanding.  I talked about how important curiousity is to building shared knowledge and relationship.  It is so true.  Sometimes it is hard to “get over yourself”and work on being curious.  Sometimes you just want someone to be curious about you and your life.

I think that it is particularly true for those of us who live alone.  We don’t have a Witness to our lives.  We don’t have a SOMEONE who knows how we spend our days and what relationships we juggle. Maybe that is where the difficulty lies.  As the song says “Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen.”  Friends are so important when you don’t have a SOMEONE who lives in your house and shares their life with you.  I am grateful for my friends.

Back to the topic of aging … Sixty is a turning point.  I’ll list some of the reasons here..

1. Your future is shorter than your past.
2. Your body is telling you to slow down and letting you know your new limitations
3. Your status in the world of work changes because you may not be around for the medium term let alone the long term.
4. Ambition shifts and is often given a harsh reality check when you realize people may no longer be interested in what you have to offer.
5. Even though you have kept up with technological changes you begin to see how futile that work is because it is always changing.
6. As Grace says on the Grace and Frankie show on Netflix …”Why would I want to make new friends when by the time we make a history together we will be history.”(I’m paraphrasing)

Aging is not for sissies.  It takes courage and stamina to stay with it.  My Dad has had a very hard time lately.  Yesterday when the nurse suggested going outside in the wheel chair and checking out his surroundings he asked “What’s the point?”  It’s a great question.  It deserves a very considered answer and I think it is different for every one.  Dad’s nurse suggested because it would make him feel better.  That was enough for him.  We did go for the roll outside and I think he did feel better.

As our parents age we get a pretty good look at what we have to look forward to and it isn’t always pretty.  It seems that in your fifties you are still moving up and away.  Once you turn sixty it’s different somehow.  It levels out and you see the steep roll down the other side.  I don’t think it is OVER or anything… I just think we readjust our expectations.  We move toward retirement to find new adventures and new challenges … or NOT.  We work hard to maintain physical, mental, emotional and relational prowess … or not.  We have choices … or not.

The key is to set goals and attain them and then set new goals.  My mother taught me that.  “You need something to look forward to” she would say “Otherwise, what’s the point.”

It’s been more than a month since I sat down at the computer to write.  A few things have happened.  My car … dear Scarlette … is still in the shop after a very weird turn of events on a highway near here.  My dad is still in hospital after almost three weeks of roller coaster life and death experiences.  My very talented and dedicated daughter injured her leg just before dance competition season.  Life is like that sometimes…

I am confident that we will all turn a corner this week.  My daughter will get the rest her body needs to heal.  Dad is scheduled to be transferred to a rehab hospital after his miraculous recovery, one a lot closer to home.  Scarlette is getting the care and attention she needs to be as good as new. And I will be back at the key board writing…

Sometimes it is difficult to understand the patterns in your life.  We hear that things happen in threes.  Do we believe that because it happens? or does it happen because we believe it?  I have never quite figured that out.  If I change my beliefs can I change my life?  Some people thing so.  The power of positive thinking has become a field of study and the evidence suggests that we can change the course of our lives by changing our thinking.  I like the concepts but I really dislike the implication that our present thinking is creating our present circumstance.  Sometimes stuff just happens.

I have noticed a pattern in my own thinking that I would like to change.  Excitement- anticipation – expectations – disappointment.  Too often I get to disappointment.  It’s become a pattern for me .. one I desperately want to change.  I want to generate excitement, anticipation, hard work and success.  I want to feel the joy of a job well done. I want to allow myself to experience the thrill of accomplishment without the self doubt of how much better it could have been if only …  I want to stop letting myself down and punishing myself for NOT contributing enough, not being good enough or smart enough or …. fill in the blank. i want to be sure that my thoughts, sometimes gloomy and dark, are not the sabotaging culprit getting in my way.

It has been a difficult month.  Did I somehow contribute to that?  Am I losing my mind or my perspective?  I think I am.

I have lots of tools that I can use to self correct.  I am the author of more than 100 blogs on how to deal with life.  I am well educated and usually confident.  I know what to do. I’m just not doing it right now…  Maybe tomorrow.

Do you know the song “Smile” By Nat King Cole? Here’s the You tube link …   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-WqFUnqhSc

It’s the perfect song to describe Fay.  She ALWAYS smiled. Even when her heart was breaking.

I have known Fay since her daughter Tammy missed the bus home from Downtown Edmonton.  She was with her drama class at the Citadel Theatre and she and her friend wandered off and the bus left to go back to the school without them.  Fay and Bonnie came to the school to TALK to the Drama teacher.  I was acting principal that day.  The Drama teacher was suitably contrite and agreed that she had a responsibility to get them home.  I had to interject to ensure that the girls also know that they had messed up and had just as much responsibility to stay with the teacher and the bus. That was our first impression of each other.

A few months later I became the VP in the school that Fay owned.  She was the secretary at Bon Accord School and she ruled it with good humour and no nonsense.  She was so fun to work with. You couldn’t really call her sympathetic with the students.  She rarely coddled them.  But she had this smile and this laugh that made everything okay. I was only there two years like many of the administrators that came and went as Fay continued to run the school.  It as a GREAT school.  It still is.  The camaraderie continues thanks in large part to the support staff and the king pin, Fay’s best friend, Bonnie.  The staff still get together and although I left there in 1992 and Fay left in 1999 everyone who ever worked there is always invited to celebrate whatever the occasion.

As it turned out Fay and I both moved to Calgary.  Her family was there and she wanted to be closer especially to her mum who was dealing with Alzheimer’s.  She loved her family, her kids and her grandkids and she loved taking pictures of them.  Her house was full of portraits of all the people and pets that she loved.  Her brother and sister in law and the extended family became a big part of her life.  Her pets were family too and it was hard for her to let them go. It was so fitting that when she retired she began to work with guide dogs and even more fitting that her guide dog friends would form a guard of honour at her memorial service.  There were no dry eyes walking between the two rows for well behaved dogs sitting quietly as we passed.  It was a great tribute to a fantastic and dedicated per person.

She never lost the Bon Accord connection.  Those people she worked with and raised kids with remained close to her despite the miles.  Although she had left many years before she was still one of them, sharing in their lives as best she could at a distance.  A testament to that was the great numbers who attended her memorial travelling 300 k to say farewell to their wonderful friend.  It was a hug fest for sure and so wonderful to see everyone again and remember the stories that we all shared with Fay.

I was so fortunate that Fay moved to Calgary.  I got to know her in both places Bon Accord and Calgary.  I had moved to attend University the year before she did.  The Bon Accord network made sure we connected with each other and we started to go to Weight Watchers on Tuesday nights and then dinner using a coupon book she had purchased at work.  Soon we just did dinner.  We had a standing date on Tuesdays for 15 years.  We had so many laughs and so many tears over the years.  People would join us on Tuesdays and remain in the group for a while.  One of our dear Tuesday night friends passed away suddenly on Christmas Eve in 2004.  After that the group solidified to Carol, Laurie, my sister-in-law Yvonne who had moved from Ontario, Fay and I.  We went to different restaurants and had Cakebread Sauvignon Blanc every Tuesday that we could.  Sometimes I was travelling or others couldn’t make it but it was our night.

Movies were a favourite topic.  Fay loved movies and collected them.  So did Laurie and Carol. So we started Movie Weekends for the Tuesday girls where we would have breakfast Saturday, head to the mountains, arrive at the condo in Canmore and put on our pajamas and watch at least 5 movies before we had lunch and went home on Sunday.  Once or twice a year we made the trek. We always included a trip to the hot tub where we would inevitable make friends with people watching from their balconies or in the hallways.  The laughter was contagious and we had SO MUCH FUN.

Tuesdays were just special to us.  One Tuesday I was dining with the Queen in Edmonton.  Another I was in Ottawa at a George Bush state dinner.  They were always with me in spirit …every Tuesday wherever I was in the world.  When Obama was inaugurated it was a Tuesday.  I got the menu for the luncheon off the internet, recorded the ceremony and we ate what they ate that night… a meal based on Lincoln’s inaugural lunch.  That was our first taste of Duckhorn wine which was served at the White House that day and at the Signal Hill house and became our second favourite wine.

Many Tuesdays it was just Fay and me.  She was my friend. She was such a good listener, always providing a counter view to my sometimes warped view of a situation.  She worked with me to transcribe my research interviews for my PhD.  She was the photographer at my wedding. She helped with my business.  She took care of me.  Just the way she took care of everyone … with the no nonsense Fay truth that I had come to value greatly. And there was always the SMILE and the Fay hugs.  Even when things were not going well,  she smiled.

It was shocking when she got sick.  We watched her battle her way through and out the other side a couple of times.  And it was shocking when we lost her.

I cannot express how grateful I am that she was in my life. She is always with me, especially on Tuesdays.  After her memorial, the remaining Tuesday night girls went to one of our favourite restaurants. It was Tuesday on Friday. We told Fay stories and toasted her with her favourite Cakebread wine.

To FAY and to Tuesdays… forever with us.

This morning I watched a Ted Talk by Daniel Levitin, a neurologist talking about the impact of stress on our ability tothink.  It was another reminder of why it is so important to have a plan of action so that when I high emotion takes over your body and your brain you have an automatic practiced response to keep you out of trouble.  He called it a pre-mortem … like a post mortem but BEFORE the event.  Pre-mortems give you the opportunity to generate a chain of reasoning before you are in a situation with lowered brain capacity unable to think about what to do next.  The best example I can think of for pre-mortem is the CPR training I took when I was teaching high school.  Repeat the steps until they come naturally.  BE PREPARED so that panic does not have a chance to set in.

PULSE is a pre-mortem for high conflict and difficult conversations.  With PULSE training you have a set of tried and true questions to guide you through a conflict situation.  Even if your brain has moved to fight, flight or freeze because you are feeling threatened, you will have an automoatic system, a structured conversation to use as a guide to get you to a calmer place.  AND you will also have practiced skills for defusing the other persons perception of threat.  This kind of preparation allows you to get to a place where clearer heads prevail, where the corisol caused by the stress has disappated.

Step one: Prepare for the Conversation … ask How will the conversation proceed?

Step two: Uncover the Circumstance … ask What is this about?

Step three: Learn the Signficiance … ask Why is it important?

Step four: Search the Possibilities … ask What could you do?

Step five: Explain a Plan of Action … ask What will you do?

And don’t forget to breath ….

Whenever my life has taken a turn for better or worse I have had to adjust my expectations.  As human beings I think we do that on a daily basis and if we maintain our previous expectations in the face of a changing environment we are always headed for conflict.  Ever day is a new opportunity to RESPOND to life rather than to react to it.  When circumstances shift and change we have choices to make.  We can become recalcitrant and refuse to acknowledge the need for us to change our way of looking at the world or we can embrace change with open arms.

Both are valid choices.  There are circumstances where accepting a new way of doing things is NOT OKAY. It may be in some way harmful to you or to your organization or family.  Its okay to become positional and to protect what you know to be a better way.  In those instances we move into fight mode and get ready to battle the forces of negative change.  We defend.  We protect.  We resist.  Or we move into freeze mode and ignore the changes, carrying on as if nothing has really changed.  Or we move into flight mode and run away to a different place where there is no change, where everything is as it should be.

If a change threatens us we are likely to fight, freeze or flee.  It is a natural reaction and is healthy where change is harmful. Where we are experiencing a positive change in our circumstances  we may still resist because there is someting about changing what we do or the way we do it that insinuates that how we used to do it was wrong.  No one wants to be wrong.  That’s why we question any change that we are asked to make or endure.

Over the years I have experienced major changes in circumstances more than once.  New jobs in different places with different people have been part of my history.  I welcome change when it is positive and means an improvement in some aspect of my life … better opportunities or a chance to be closer to family for example.  When I understand the change and the reason for it I can begin to release any resistance, relax into the new situation and relate to the new expectations.

Change has become the norm for me but now I find myself  in a place where change is not as necessary or as easy as it once was.  No matter what change in circumstance you are experiencing it is the adjusting of expectations that takes time and energy.  There are new expectations coming for me to be settled and still instead of uncertain and moving all of the time.  So here I am, the queen of adjusting expectations, setting expectaions for myself around my life circumstances that are contrary and different from how I have lived my life so far.  Can I embrace this change or will I resist?

This should be interesting……